One month until the birthday.

In exactly one month, I’ll be thirty-eight years old. That’s hard to believe considering how clearly I remember eighteen. What used to feel like inching towards forty now feels like I’m racing towards it full speed ahead.  When did so much time pass?

Every year around my birthday, I swing from the highs of birthday lunches, dinners, flowers, gifts, and joy to the lows of contemplation, fear and shock. I broadcast the fact of my birthday, but I broadcast equally my horror where it is concerned. Right now, I’m feeling the contemplation come more heavily, earlier in the process.

Thirty-eight sounds old.  But I don’t feel old.  I feel like this.

I love this picture. First of all, I think I was a really cute kid. I’ll spare you the wide array of baby photos of myself that I just adore. This one, though, taken when I was three, captures me.  I was a kid who often sat quietly doing my own thing, totally unaware that anyone was watching. I never cared much for what I wore. I often had messy hair. I remember laughing a ton and reading even more. And I remember that my mind worked constantly, thinking big and thinking of what comes next. I don’t know what I was planning right in this moment, but I see a plan in my eyes.  I see a patience for the right opportunity to make my move.  It captures who I was then and who I think I will always be.

I don’t see myself as thirty-eight years old.  I’m just a very mature three.

4 thoughts on “One month until the birthday.

  1. I love that picture too. You are obviously planning something.I am 63 years old – I may look it, but I don't feel it. I do remember 38. That was a difficult time. My birthday was in August. My husband's grandmother (who raised him) died that same month and my mother died in October. Both deaths were expected, perhaps even welcomed by the time they occurred. My daughter had her 5th birthday that December. She was the bright spot in my life. She will be 30 years old in December. I love her dearly at any age, but sometimes I miss that little girl, like you miss the little girl of your childhood pictures.

  2. Wow, you really were a super-cute kid! What an adorable photo. As long as you don't feel old, why thing about turning 38? Why think about turning 40??

  3. Hmmm… So is this your subtle reminder and hint you want some birthday recognition in a month? 🙂 Happy birthday to the wisest three year old I've ever met!

  4. Taline, what I think: as long as you center on BEING that girl right now, what you're GOING TO BE will take care of itself. I believe that for me, too. Well, I'm not a girl, but you get my drift. 🙂

Leave a Reply to AA Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s