Last night, I met Elizabeth at Deep Eddy for a swim. She’d really heard me earlier when I said that I missed my tradition of going for a swim and then having dinner at Magnolia, so when we were making plans to connect, she suggested it.
We got there right after work. The water was green and more cloudy than it had been the last time I was there. I think the last time was sometime in the spring of 2012, but honestly, I’m not sure. It’s been a long time. The water was also less cold than I remembered. I got in fairly comfortably and didn’t shake at all, even when I paused my swim for a few moments at a time. I also didn’t count laps or worry about doing a particular workout. I just swam.
At the pool, Elizabeth and I ran into a friend of a friend, someone I met last fall and really liked but hadn’t seen since. He ended up joining us for dinner, which was also really lovely. The three of us talked until almost 9:30.
I walked away from dinner with a worked out body, a happy belly, a warm heart, and the realization that I’m not stuck. For months, I’ve been waiting to see what choices someone else would make. I felt like my future was totally in the hands of another. That’s a pretty helpless place to be. In the meantime, I’ve been doing what I could to make the most of the time. I’ve been training, racing, simplifying my life, and trying to learn new things. In that helplessness, I’ve also been isolating myself and feeling unsure about my next steps. Would I have to figure things out from scratch again? Would everything fall back into place and work itself out? Well, it didn’t.
It’s not clear to me where I go from here, but I need to go somewhere. And last night, while I was swimming in the pool that felt so different, spending time with people I’m looking forward to getting to know better, and thinking about how rich my life is with friends and opportunities, I realized that my path may not be clear, but that’s okay. I can swim in murky waters just fine. And eventually, the murkiness will clear.