This morning, I saw a post that said, “Workout. When you don’t want to, you need it the most.” That was 100% true for me today. It’s not that I had a bad day. I didn’t. In fact, I had good day. But as I was swimming after work after nearly having bailed on the swim altogether, I thought of something that I needed to be reminded of.
I had lots of different things running through my head.
- Does Diana Nyad look at a swimming pool the way runners look at a treadmill?
- I have always joked that, given my fish phobia, if I ever say that I’m going scuba diving, my friends should know that there is a man involved, and it is serious. But would I actually put myself through that kind of discomfort because I was interested in someone?
- I’ve never wanted to be with someone I can live with. I’ve always wanted to be with someone I can’t live without.
The last one came to me, as I was swimming an easy 100 after my first hard set of four 300s, and it stayed with me through my easier set of three 200s. As I thought about that, I remembered having a conversation years ago with a dear friend of mine who was struggling with being in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to get married. She felt like she was trying to convince him to marry her, and she got to a point where she said, “I don’t want to convince him. I want him to think that marrying me a really good idea.”
I have spent too many months trying to convince someone that a relationship with me is worth the effort. Why have I been doing that for so long? I’m not saying I shouldn’t have fought for the relationship. It was wonderful – more wonderful than any other relationship I’ve had – and I believe in fighting for what you believe in. But for how long? One month? Three months? Six months? Nine months? One year? Shouldn’t I want someone who thinks, without my insistence, that marrying me is a really good idea? And if I want someone I can’t live without, shouldn’t I have someone who feels the same way about me?
What I had can’t have been what I have always wanted. One of us has moved on. And no, it’s not fun to be left behind. It’s not fun to start over. But it is good to realize that, at my core, what I want is someone who has no interest in doing life without me. I just haven’t found that yet.
This is pretty simple stuff, but the heart – my heart, at least – doesn’t always remember the simple stuff when it’s hurting. I’m glad I remember it now.
Good night, everyone. I think I’m finally going to get a good night’s sleep.
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