It’s been a busy day, but in the midst of the frenzy, I found a few moments here and there to settle more into my new office. Here is a picture:
The hard part of the day came when I unpacked two boxes from my old office that had been sitting in my living room for the last two years and then some because I didn’t have a permanent office to call my own. In the boxes, I found a picture of me with my ex and one of my very best friends. The three of us are laughing. I also found a teddy bear and some cards that had been delivered to me with flowers from my ex. The t-shirt on the teddy bear communicates love, as do the notes, one of which quotes a country song I like. They all made me smile. And they made me sad. Those reminders of what once was snuck up on me again, but I handled them well. I didn’t fall into a spiral mind f*ck. I just set them aside, figuring I would decide later what to do with them, and I went on with unpacking and doing my work.
The boxes held lots of other wonderful little surprises: my finisher photos from my first two Ironman events in Coeur d’Alene and Canada, a picture of my friends Kerry and Kelly that they gave me when I left this firm back in 2007, a picture of me with my friend Lisa at her rehearsal dinner, a picture of me with my friend Catherine from the Broken Spoke years ago, a little purple robot my friend Erin made, little gift books friends have given me over the years, and a number of pictures of my niece and nephew from ages ago. I put a lot of them on the bookshelves in my office, so the place feels really warm to me now. I’m happy to be here.
I also found an index card with the following verse from the Bible in my handwriting:
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart, his mouth speaks. Luke 6:45.
The card is dated January 14, 2008. I don’t recall writing it, but I just checked back on this blog to see what was happening in my life at that time. I had just wrecked on my bike and hurt my elbow, and I hadn’t yet recovered my full range of motion to get back to Ironman training. I was nervous because I was training for my first Ironman and feeling like I was losing valuable training time waiting for the damn elbow to heal. I’m sure I was grumpy and the verse probably spoke to me because odds are good that I was spewing grumpiness to everyone around me.
One thing that has haunted me for the last year is that my last full day with my ex wasn’t a peaceful day. It was fun but I was feeling insecure in the relationship and my insecurity came out in strange ways. I remember being on the phone with my credit card company about a late payment, which really frustrated me because I’m usually so organized. I was ugly with the person on the other end of the phone. I was trying to control something because so much going on at the time felt out of my control. We had a great evening together before I flew out the next day, but we haven’t been face-to-face since. I’m sad that I left my ex with that ugly memory of me.
It’s true that what we speak comes from what’s in our heart.
I look at this picture, these cards and the sweet little bear who says that he “love love loves” me. I acknowledge them for the goodness they once represented. I think I’ll take them home and put them in the plastic bin where they can live with their friends.