Just today, I saw a picture of one of my favorite writing instructors sitting in a mediation pose beneath graffiti art that says, “I love you so much.” Her eyes are closed, and she’s smiling. That image reminds me to love myself. I’m working on it. I really am.
I’m trying to make decisions that are good for me. That’s hard sometimes because I worry about disappointing or upsetting others or even disappointing or upsetting myself. I’m not good at saying, “I don’t want to do that.” I’m also not good at saying, “That doesn’t work for me.” But I’m working on getting better at both of those things.
One way that I test a decision is that I voice it to someone I trust and then wait to see if I feel lighter or heavier as a result of that voicing. Sometimes I can tell right away which way it’s going and other times I need a few days for the lightness or heaviness to emerge.
I voiced something today and am waiting to see what happens. But I wish I had a better way. I wish I had more clarity than I normally do. I wish I could see the future. I wish I could have a Brad Paisley “Letter to Me” experience where I could look back on my life and tell myself to hug Aunt Rita at every opportunity and that the experience of the gas tank going dry on a date would end up being kind of cool.
But in the thick of it, decisions are hard. Even when they aren’t major life-changing decisions – job change, marriage, divorce – they kind of are because they do change life in some way. And sometimes I feel like I’m the slowest decision-maker on the planet and that upsets and disappoints me more than anything. Then I remind myself that I’m trying to be better at loving myself.
For now, I voice it. And wait.