I’ve started and not finished four different posts over the last week. I wrote one post about a sermon I heard online. I was about to post my thoughts on the sermon and what it meant to me, but then I second-guessed myself. “Is this appropriate for the blog? Is it too personal?”
I’ve never really censored myself here. I’ve written whatever has been on my mind. Most often, what I’ve written has had to do with progress or disappointments in my training. But I’ve also touched on the conversations I have with myself about life, love and next steps, the healing or breakdown of relationships, my desire for kids, or just something funny or small that I heard that made me think. Without question, I’ve posted what I’ve written, but on the sermon I questioned myself, and I haven’t been able to write much since. It’s like everything was appropriate for this space until I decided something might not be appropriate and now I have no idea what’s appropriate and what isn’t.
I’ve inadvertently silenced myself. I’ve cut myself off from one of my favorite outlets, and I want very much to make a connection again. How is it that I’ve been writing for this blog for seven years and suddenly feel like I don’t know how to do it anymore?
It reminds me of the time I was calling a good guy friend of mine for movies and such and then was told by a mutual friend that I shouldn’t call him anymore because he had a girlfriend. I wasn’t sure I agreed, but each time I picked up the phone to make the call, I heard that voice of uncertainty in my head, and hung up, only to realize months later that I’d unnecessarily created distance between me and a dear friend. Neither he nor his girlfriend had a problem with me or our friendship. Why had I let my doubt create a problem where there hadn’t been one?
This space isn’t a complete representation of who I am, but it is a real representation of who I am, and I want it to continue to be real – unedited, unfiltered and raw. So this is me telling myself not to listen to the voice that has driven a wedge between me and my blog. That voice was well-intentioned, but it was also wrong.